Mother's Day (admittedly merely a HallMark Cards holiday) is finally a happy day for me. I have a son I love intensely, and grandchildren who light me from inside, and they Skype'd me on Mother's Day.
|Jon Mark, with Dylan and Miss Nora|
- But it's been a flawed holiday, in part, because of my inability to come to terms with my own mother's abuse of me.
- Just saw this article from 2013 re: children of abuse and what (if anything) they owe the abusive parent later when they need help. It's long, but by the time I got through it AND the over 200 comments, my face was tear-streaked and I was feeling an overwhelming, shuddering relief that there ARE people like me, that get it.
- Article: The Debt (click)
Here are some excerpts from the article and comments, followed by my own:
- Up til the day my mother died, that was my chosen method of preserving my sanity.
- A few of my friends and my own family knew my mother was emotionally abusive to me, but publicly she was a paragon of goodness. I finally found the strength (at 30 years old!) to physically remove myself and my own family. Moved 2000 miles away.
- We moved back 15 years later when my dad started having health problems, but I was strong enough by then to not be affected much by mom. Lost dad (AND only sibling) a few years later, and mom's dementia surfaced right away.
- I lost most of my brother's family over my refusal to move in to care for my mother after dementia took over. It wasn't her asking (dementia precludes self-awareness), it was family, who could not abide having a court-appointed guardian when there was a perfectly capable daughter around to do it. They never did believe she was abusive to me, so of course there was no excuse whatsoever. My niece chose to be her guardian, did a fine job, and I lost them.
"There should be a level of Hell reserved for parents who betray their own innocent and dependent children; ignoring these worthless creatures in their old age or infirmity is the best means of self-help imaginable."
don't give her a free pass because of that."
"I am at peace with the choices I made"
- Until today, I wasn't. All I knew was I couldn't forgive and could never forget, and was consumed with guilt over that. Emotional see-saw has always been my norm when thinking about her, but after reading this article I feel OK now.