What I Know For Sure About Felting (for crocheters)

This will be of ZERO interest to most, as it's a summing up of all I've learned so far in felted crochet. Which isn't much. You crochet something, then you scrub it in hot water. But yes, there are nuances.

First, I rarely use patterns. They're hard to read, harder to find my place, and I always count wrong anyway. I just seem able to "see" it as I go, and increase/decrease/shape accordingly. Crocheting a piece intended for felting is either easier or harder: it shrinks, that's the point. So certain projects give me free rein. It doesn't matter what size a purse or scarf ends up, just so it's big enough. Slippers-made-to-fit are different. My crocheting shrinks more in width than length, but is by no means dependable. When I'm stressed, I crochet tight and it doesn't shrink much. Inebriated,  I crochet REALLY loosely and it shrinks a lot! Too small? I then find myself eyeing other people's feet "Hey, Chica! What size shoe do you wear?"

By way of clarification, our casita doesn't have plumbed hot water or a stove, just electricity. The RV has everything. When felting in the casita (where the TV is) I use the microwave to heat water. In the RV (where there's no football game on the TV) I heat water in both the microwave and on the stove at the same time, and feel very modern and technologically-advanced.

So, the felting part. You can actually felt and do something else at the same time, great for multi-taskers or folks like me who've lost prioritizing skills. First you boil water. My 8 cup Tupperware measuring pitcher takes 8 minutes in the microwave, long enough to go potty AND untangle the cat/leash combo from the cactus outside. Then dump your carefully constructed crocheted project in the water and add a squirt of Dawn. I use 2 wooden spoons to then simulate a washing machine. Yes, it'd be easier to just USE  the washing machine, but no hot water.

All the felting knowledge bases agree that felting requires hot water AND agitation. So of course, I tried to omit one or the other at first: they're all correct. The hot water part means you might have to boil two, three, maybe four kettles of water depending on the size of the project. And the agitation part is MULTI-nuanced.

You can stir/swirl/agitate rapidly with the wooden spoons while watching TV. During commercials, you fish the piece out of the hot water and run enough cold water on it so you can handle it. Then you scrub the hell out of it. Rinse in cold water and throw it back in the pot when the commercial's over. Repeat three- four-whatever-it-takes-times. It's never "done" after the first rinse, rarely after two, usually three or four minimum. (I NOW usually wait to felt until I have a few projects ready because it's nice to be able to scrub them against each other. Nobody else tells you that, you heard it here first. It's probably one of those things they thought would be obvious, but...)

So here's what I know for sure. Finally.

1. The piece is done when your arms are tired.
2. Don't wear a sleeveless shirt if you have that loose-skin thing going on the insides of your upper arms. Very distracting, all that jiggling.
3. Oprah and Phil have lots more commercials than content.
4. It's backbreaking: get a stool and sit.
5. Hot water doesn't stay hot when you keep dumping a cold lump of crocheting into it. Start another pot of water heating as soon as you pour one in your "cauldron".
6. Despite the lore, white wool felts eventually. Takes 2 episodes of Super Nanny. (I love my TiVo.)
7. After the first 2 cycles, expect that the felting will be "done" every cycle after that, i.e. rinse, squeeze dry, and examine the piece closely. (It's kind of like when you're bleaching facial hair: it says to check after 8 minutes, and if not light enough, to wait another 5 minutes. But it SHOULD have said to check every 30 seconds after that instead. I'm using eyebrow pencil on my white eyebrows for the first time in my life...)
8. The process truly seems to need ALL of these elements, order is negotiable: hot water, detergent, agitation, cold water (to "shock" the fibers) and scrubbing. Time is of no importance whatsoever: it's not going to do anything in your absence should you need to run to the store for more Bailey's.
9. When you use a washing machine, you lose the cold shock part, and it's harder to check the piece often. If you stick it in a pillowcase and rubberband it closed (who has zippered pillowcases?) then you have to fish it out of there (OW OW OW remember, water's HOT) open it, then do the rinse/scrub thing, then put it back in the pillowcase and restart the machine. Some machines you can leave the lid open and it won't progress to spin while you deal with the cat puke on the computer keyboard or your Alzheimer's mom calling out "Bye!" and a door slamming...
10. Lots of time for mind exercises. Try to figure out if it's cheaper to nuke a bowl of water or heat it on the propane stove in a kettle. Suddenly you've progressed to a mental picture of yourself with an iron kettle swinging over a wood fire ala Wilma Flintstone, and from there to general musings re: earth's energy resource depletion and OH LOOK, A SQUIRREL!
11. You might want to do different colors separately if you really LIKE those colors...